Being Mom

Waking up to all this snow reminds me when my girls were little and my days were filled with putting on coats and boots, hats and mittens (after I found the lost ones!), getting everyone in the car and driving them two blocks to school, driving back again and getting the youngest one out of her coat, boots, hat and mittens, then turning around and doing it again a few hours later.  Sometimes we would drop the sister or sisters off at school, go to the grocery store or to grandmas, sometimes we would stay at school so Mommy could help in the school library or attend a PTA meeting.   It  could be rough with three little girls going in different directions, and sometimes it was stressful trying to be mom, volunteer, housekeeper, cook, and nurse, sometimes I was so tired I wanted to sit down and cry. At times when the fevers spiked or the coughs kept everyone awake or the vomit spewed, panic and fear overwhelmed me.  But, from the moment I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I was well aware of what the job of MOM entailed.  And I knew that with each child my responsibilities would grow.  I had my girls because I wanted them - they were not accidents ( I don't believe in "accidents" with all the birth control in this day and age) - they were not diversions until I found "myself" - they were not show pieces to brag about to family and friends.
My three little girls came first before everything else - before going out with friends, before TV, before sleep.  Oh, I was not a perfect mom and I made many mistakes, mistakes till the day I die I will regret.  "I'm sorry" were words I said a lot, and still say till this day.  I regret that my oldest daughter had to be my "rough draft," the child who had to go through the majority of my mom mistakes, the one I started out raising as my mother raised me - to be the little adult who did everything perfectly.  I always told my oldest daughter not to have an oldest child, and once again she listened to me - she had twins - boy and girl - with personalities so extreme that she has had no choice but to learn quickly that no child is perfect and neither is she.
I watch my daughters with their own children and can't help but wonder what part of mothering they learned from me, what they kept and what they threw away, which parts they tell their husbands "my mother did it this with me and I will NEVER do it this way with my child!"  Sometimes I can see the parts of mothering I was successful at and my daughters carried over to their children - letting the little ones help them bake, reading to them, singing, dancing, being involved with Mom's groups.  And I see myself trying to fix the mistakes I made with my children with my grandchildren - less yelling, overlooking the little things - giving the oldest more leeway.
In the middle of writing this post my oldest daughter called.  There is a wedding today, and her little Chloe, the flower girl is vomiting.  I know my daughter is frantic, both she and her husband are in the wedding, they are trying to get ready, trying to get the kids ready and worrying about Chloe.  And, the snow is pouring down, so along with all of this, there will be coats and boots, hats and mittens to be put on, getting everyone in the car, to the church, out of the coats, hats, mittens, and boots....
My hope is that like me, my daughters will look back one day and realize that if given the choice, they would happily do it all over again.